It has been a long time since i wrote in my blog, and a lot has changed. But i guess that's the beauty of life. Today the scars on my hands and arms total 10. It seems like a landmark. I am in love, painfully so; it's a long distance relationship with someone who plays what i believe to be an important part in our safety as a nation, as an international community. He is an individual, with astute and original thoughts about anything you could imagine. We talk about all that matters, and we guard each others happiness with our lives. Then why did i distinguish a lit cigarette on my arm this evening?

Is it possible to be too in love? I lost contact with my love for a number of hours this evening for a reason i cannot divulge, but in those few brief hours i ceased to exist. I was floating in indefatigable darkness, i felt as though if i were to disapear into nothing, that not a soul would notice. Why do i feel that i am nothing without him? A woman with a good job, her own flat, good friends, good intentions, and yet i feel that if he were to forget about me i would be extinguished, like a flame under water, to ashen uselessness.

The blister on my arm is growing; it may seem like i am seeking attention, but i know none of you that may or may not read this. Not one person in my life knows about the self harming, or even seems to have noticed. I once broke down in-front of my mother, i told her i was unhappy, maybe she thought i was hormonal. I guess it's a good excuse for crazy late night ramblings. Can i burden my love with more of my inexplicable emotions? I should be on top of the f**king world, but still these holes in my hands and arms keep appearing. What the hell is going on?