I cannot fight this restless feeling, although i havew found a direction, i have cleared the rubble something still holds me back, stops me from embracing all the opportunities that have spread themselves like a peacocks plume before me. I feel like something is missing, my knees continue to quiver over something or someone lost and i want more than anything to return to my usual self. But then i desire mystery, a tall dark oddity to enter my life and drive me to destuction. I have felt more, good and bad, in the last few weeks than i have in 22 years and it is as liberating as it has been constricting. I am taking in too much oxygen so my mind is alive but my breaths are shallow and i become confused with a thousand memories both real and false. I long for artificial clarity, more than i have before, it produces an exstatic freedom from the boundaries of everyday life, and, although it does not produce any workable solutions it dissolves day to day concerns like falling into a lovers arms to be held in sweet contentment through the night.
To be numb because you refuse to feel causes you to question your own humanity - your own human heart - but to be numb because the world is larger than your humanity, larger than the object of your desires, larger than your very presense in the room in which you lie: is euphoric.