I have woken from a nightmare only to find that the dream has manifested itself in reality. I am fighting to control the female emotions that ravish my fragile body, infect my already stretched and overwrought imagination. It as though the events of the last 8 weeks never happened and yet the memory is so vivid and powerful. The nightmare has ingrained itself on my psyche to the point where it demonstrates itelf on my physical being. I am exhausted from holding back tears, exhausted from smiling and planning so enthusiastically for an uncertain future. I have talked so emphatically about the prospect of not knowing, the prospect of allowing the world to guide me in whatever manner it sees fit; but now the uncertainty is real, has become dangerous and i fight against the fear that lies with such verocity in my already churning stomach.

I cant remember what i enjoy. I cant remember what makes me happy - everything has taken on a morbid and confusing reality that i thought would only make me stronger. The truth is daunting, that i have no clue what i want, what draws a small to my lips. Even in the midst of a family night in, tears of laughter streaming down my face, my heart was distant from the mirth, my thoughts never far from what the end of the weekend signified; from what monday morning may bring. I thought uncertainty would make me happy, but it is a no more enjoyable experience than the prospect of settling. So now i travel, back 'home', insecure in my thoughts and dreading the answers that tomorrow may divulge.