I am uncontrollably spasmodic, my knees shake like they know something i don't. My body continues to love, feel and be affected by the events that occur to my left, my right, above and below me. I exist in a constant state of foreplay with a master that has taken control of me physically but not touched my head or my heart. They remain numb, untouchable. Has he done that? or have i done that to myself? I would be scary if i did not welcome it, welcome the change - i feel like i have arrived, kicking and screaming from the womb, everything has new meaning; i am learning to use my senses all over again. Every step is wild and new, every emotion is fresh and unexpected. I have been released from emotional bars and yet i am afraid to let the sun touch me. Aprehensive of impending rain and yet i want to feel and touch these experiences, and embrace them for their delicious entry into my life. But is this living really? Having no-where to call home - a well paid vagrant that detracts from settling simply because of what it means? To know the future is to welcome death; to stand arms open welcoming it to end the drudgery that you have come to call 'life'. Why? why do it? Why deny yourself the variety, the spice of life for an emotion that resembles hunger without food, lust without sex. Surely everyone wants to escape - but how many talk of leaving but never act upon those impulses? I'm acting.
But what is love? an emotional response to a physical feeling when two mammals find themselves drawn together. You hear their name and you flush like a school girl but its not pure. In his absense you shake with a longing that has settled itself in the last place he touched, kissed. An adult movie plays on a loop inside your head as you examine every move, every action - but what are you searching for? meaning? that it means more than just two bodies joining into one for brief moments of mutual pleasure. Is life so fickle that we give away a massive portion of what makes us who we are without thought. We are but mammels who know too much, think too much, who complicate the most basic and instinctive of our urges with ridiculous talk of love. Love changes you, makes you weak, dependant, and forces you, without you realising, into abandoning your dreams, your most precious aspirations. You give it up, but for what? security, company? You must know yourself before you can truely part with 50% of who you are to another individual. Love commands, like an army general on a losing side to give in, throw yourself into the fires of hell and lose your way. Love is not blind to those that look, but those that accept it and forget why they were put on this earth in the first place.